Right now the only thing that matters is...

<3 i l0ve him...and he l0ves me

<3 i'm taking that risk and trusting him...

<3 i'm happy... he makes me smile!

Things have been going quite okay.  Although I have no cellphone I've managed to call him at least once a day or every other day.  He just makes me smile... I'm happy.

I'm filled with anger because I feel I don't get enough in return in this relationship, but every single time I try to toughen up.  The words I say are only words and my heart softens.  I try to be tough and say what I feel, but the only problem is, I never do.  I never do get a chance to say how I feel because everytime I talk, the feeling in my heart takes over.  My heart takes over my mind and in what I believe in.  I'm a martyr at love.  I can't yell at the person I love... I can't even speak out.  I can't revenge or make him suffer by me not calling or by ignoring him.  I just can't.  I don't know how other people can, but I can't.  I don't know how other people can have so much pride.  I tend to let myself fall.  Even if I try so hard to be tough, I can't.  I'd rather be the one hurt, than seeing other people hurt.  I'd rather be the one they're breaking up with rather than me breaking up with them.  Because I can't handle hurting someone else.  Even if I know they take advantage of how nice or forgiving I am, I let them.  And with Ex's... I'd rather we be friends than enemies.  Sometimes I just don't understand myself.  Maybe this is why every single time, I'm the one hurting because I let them hurt me.  I just cry and cry until there's no more tears.  I never get to speak my mind because when I do, my heart softens.  And instead of feeling sorry for me, I end up feeling sorry for them.  I really sound pathetic.

Maybe I'm just too nice.  I don't know why my topic is always about getting hurt.  Maybe because I'm fed up with getting hurt before, or maybe because I'm scared to get hurt again.  Because I know I really love him.  I know our relationship is going great.  And nothing's in the way or anything.  And even if we don't have a problem I tend to make myself believe we do.  Maybe because I'm assuming that I'll get hurt once again.  And I'm not saying that I want it to happen.  Because everytime everything seems to go so well, it ends up being so bad.  I don't know.  But sometimes I just need a break already.  I just hope that this love I'm fighting for is real.  Because if it's not, I'm fighting for nothing.  And I'd hate to think that.  I love him to death.  And I never want to be hurt again.

Anyway... My relationship so far is going great.  Today we make 3 months!  A new beginning.  See if we didn't break up we'd be making 3 years and 9 months!  Long huh?  But things change I guess.  And we now start again fresh.  So I hope the decision I made in choosing him was a right decision.  I chose to go back with him not looking at the bad things, but of the good.  Although we only got to spend a short while with each other because he lives so far, I'll treasure those moments we had and always remember them.  I know we're far away but I hope that no matter how far we are our hearts will never breakaway.  All I can say is First Love.  I know I may sound naive or that I'm so young to determine who my partner will be in the future.  But I have faith in us.  I have faith in him.  And even if he has hurt me before, I try to believe his words with no doubt.  I know he loves me because when I hear them they sound so real to me.  I don't wanna believe that he's lying to me.  Besides why would he ask me out again if he was only going to break my heart?  I'm not sure.  I try to find answers but the only thing I have is faith.  I need to learn to trust once again.  I need to believe in him.  He really treats me good.  And no matter how much I get yelled at or no matter how much my family hates him or doesn't want him for me I'm willing to take that risk.  I'm willing to take that chance to fight for our love in the future.  I wouldn't want them picking who I should end up with.  Now that wouldn't be love.  And I'm sure they would want me happy one day.  I'm sure they would want me to marry the one I love.  And Iike how he respects me or doesn't have pride in forgiving.  I like how he doesn't hold grudges and how he makes me feel so loved.  I like how he makes me feel special.  And I like how I can be me when I'm with him.  I feel so carefree when I'm with him, I don't care what other people say.  When we're together we're in our own world.  I know a long distance relationship is so hard, but I believe in our love.  And I will believe his words.  He said "wait until the right time...and no matter what they say we'll have the right to do what we want."  And the one thing that catches me is "when we're older i'm going to marry you.. this is my promise to you..."  I know we're young and things will pass.  But I believe him.  I feel like I've found my destiny and I maybe so stupid in saying these things.  But I believe them, no matter what they say.  He always says "walang iwanan" and that means we won't leave each other.  I love him so much he doesn't even know.  Oh how I wish I was closer.  There were times when I felt that I should let go because we're so far away.  And I tell him that I'm not there for him when he has problems.  I won't be there physically to comfort him.  And I don't like that.  I wanna be there with him.  And I've asked him lots of times why he would want to pick me and not someone closer.  And he simply answers with "because i love you thats why..."  It's just those little sweet things that he says that catchees my heart.  I'm not sure if our love is actually real.  But I feel it is.  And I don't regret it.  I wanna believe that we'll be together in the future.  I wanna believe that he won't hurt me.  Because I certainly won't.  I love him to death... And I hope we'll end up with each other one day.

"L0VE LiKE Y0U NEVER BEEN HURT BEF0RE..."

every relationship is never perfect.  and i know this is right. there never seems to be relationship for me that i'm never sad or hurt in. but i shouldn't expect any of them to be, coz no one's perfect ! but sometimes it seems like when i'm in love i love sooo much and i never seem to leave some love for myself. and when i'm in love i don't care how hurt i am as long as the person i love is ok. and i'm not saying i regret it or anything. but i just don't understand why i'm so weak at love. and i always end up getting hurt because of this. there's never a time where i love sooo much and i didn't get hurt. i don't like getting hurt. and no one does. but i know i have to face that everyone gets hurt. that's the whole point of life and love. now i'm scared to love so much because of being hurt before. but even if i'm scared i still take that risk and still trust. i don't know what to do anymore....

i call him everyday... and he's nice to me.. he understands me.. he loves me.. he's caring.. but was there ever a time where he texted me or called me out of nowhere..?  just because he's thinking of me.. or something? N0 ! the only reason he texts or calls me is if we get into a fight or if i tell him to text me...

BLAH.

they try to break us apart. they try to yell at me so i'll stop using the phone. i can't completely stop using the phone. i'll use it... but not all the time... they can try to stop me... but theres one thing they can't stop me to do.. and thats to stop loving him... cause he's already a big part of my life... sometimes thinking of him helps me to go on.. he helps me to stay strong... and listening to him say those just give me more courage and strength and a better reason to be patient and to just wait. i won't rush anything. i know life has list that is set for me.. and right now all i'll do is to work hard at school.. and one day i'll live through happiness knowing that i've worked hard. so all i have to do now is concentrate. i know my goals in life and i know what i want to do... and now no one can stop me...

i understand i am not perfect and life won't always wait for me. i say "life is what i make of it." i dream of tomorrow not of yesterday. i try to be sucessful and bold and brave. i hope tomorrow creates a new foundation because i am young and making my own roads.

-- something i wrote in english class

with each passing day i see the challenges that seem to come my way. sometimes full of sadness and full of grief. sometimes i just need some space to breathe. my life seems so complicated sometimes so unfair and sometimes i get stuck and am not able to bear. but when i'm lost and am not able to take. i try to smile even if that smile is fake. behind the laughter, behind the tears they don't realize that in me i also have fears. so when i can't handle, i just sit down and pray wishing that God will grant me a happy day.3/14/05

I've always hoped that someday I'll find myself a love.  I've always been envious while watching these romantic movies.  I've always found myself hating it because of not having a love, a parter, someone that's just there for me, an inspiration.  I've always wondered when it will be my turn.  In the game of love it always seemed like I was the one getting hurt or the one forgiving, the one crying, hoping, wishing.  And it really never was a great feeling.  But finally now I can say I'm content when it comes to love.

here's how the story goes...

He's my first love.  I think we broke up because of the distance.  We saw other people but whenever we had a chance to talk to each other, those feelings always seemed to come rolling back.  And when I went to visit, of course I fell in love all over again.  It might sound so crazy, yet so insane.  But it happened.  Before this I promised myself a million times not to fall for anyone because I know when I fall, I always end up getting hurt.  But what am I to do?  I can't control what I feel.  And now I'm with him.  He's far away.  What is up with me and distance?  My loves always have to be far away.  Anyway... He's nice to me and I don't regret going back with him.  But I hope that I'm not going to end up getting hurt again, because that would just be heartbreaking.  I'm finally happy.  I have someone that I can call my love,parter,inspiration, the one I look forward to talking to everyday!

some thoughts i had today...

I've taken the words of others and have put it in my head.  Some part in me made me wonder if they were true.  Without knowing the truth I've came to believe it.. And have had doubt.  If I love someone so much I know I shouldn't believe what other people say.  And then I have doubted.  And I have made illusions which seem to make me stuck in a world of chaos.  Then one day I've come to know that what I was thinking wasn't true.  And how I should stop doubting and at least have faith.  I shouldn't be assuming because I have nothing to assume about.  I have been hurt before and I  have come to accept it.  And if in time the hurt will strike I am willing to accept it once more.  I have fear in getting hurt.  The word often trembles in my mind.  But theres no fear if I've already felt it before.  I lived after being hurt.  And the only thing to do after that is to move on and and put it behind in the past and move forward with my head up high, not back.

--- I know I'm in love.  But I'm always going to have the fear of getting hurt.  I don't want to get hurt.  And I know I shouldn't be thinking about it.  Because when I love, I love with all my heart.  And it's hard to mend the pieces of a broken heart.  I hope, wish and pray that everything will go how I hope it will.

Just think: If I do get hurt, it will only make me stronger.

<3 i love him to death and he better not hurt me !